Why SyFy is an Abusive Relationship and Needs to End

By: Matt

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February 25th, 2011

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It's time for this to stop.

Sometimes it's hardest for us to see the faults in the things we love the most. That's just the way it is. But at a certain point, you have to realize that nothing is ever going to change, and if you don't leave now, you could get even more hurt than you already are.

You have to stop going back to "SyFy," and you need to do it now. There are lots of reasons why. If you're not aware, I'll spell them out for you.

1) He's changed.

Let's face it. We all hoped this "SyFy" thing was just a phase, but it's not. For whatever reason, science fiction has to be edgy and in-your-face. This isn't the channel we grew to love some years ago. Suffice it to say, its new name is stupid and, to be honest, it's bad enough that I don't think I need to go on with the list, but I will.

2) You're making excuses for him.

I know. I know. "Well, there was a good movie on last week." No, that movie was "Dragonheart," and it was on four years ago. That's the last watchable thing that aired on the network. I was there.

Sure, you might still catch an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" or something, but is that really enough? Of course not. You need a network that shows things you want to watch. And not just hope that you luck out and catch some of its older, better programming. Your friends are right. He's just no good for you, and you have to accept that.

3) He doesn't appreciate you.

In the beginning, it was wonderful. You got good movies to watch. And when he surprised you with "Battlestar Galactica," it was magic. But what was the last thing he got you? That's right. Professional wrestling.

It's like the network doesn't even know you anymore. (And judging by the acquisition of wrestling, I'm not sure it knows itself anymore either.) Before you tune to the channel and mysteriously find episodes of "Keeping up with the Kardashians," it might be best if you left.

4) He never does anything for you.

Okay. Granted, "Food Network" or "Cartoon Network" never wash the dishes or clean off the table. Still, at least when I'm watching food shows, I might occasionally get a good idea for something to cook at home. SyFy has left that same bag of garbage by the kitchen door for two weeks, and every time you bring it up, he gets all defensive and acts like you're smothering him.

5) It's going to get worse.

If the news on the outlook can be trusted, this isn't yet rock bottom. Word is that the network is trying to increase the number of reality shows it airs. This is odd, since the term "science fiction" has the word "fiction" right in it. And while creative license allows a certain amount of wiggling, I'm quite sure that "fiction" and "reality" are total opposites.

So I think it's time to get out while you still can. You're too good a person to be in this sort of relationship. There are lots of great networks out there just waiting to meet you. And just for the record, "FX" totally said you were cute.

Just...putting that out there.

Note: At the risk of ending this column on a total downer note, I feel it's worth mentioning that I in no way compare SyFy to an actual abusive relationship. I realize that those are much worse and would in no way make light of something so serious. I'm just really, really sick of stupid B-Movies and non-science fiction programming and thought this was a clever analogy.

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